Girl Meets Frein
by Cpl. Bull S. Kwikki
Summary: Enraged yet again after being reminded of her parents' failed marriage, Disadvantaged Girl Maya runs away from her life in New York City and accidentally befriends a highly wanted cop-shooting fugitive in the wilderness of Pennsylvania. The two form an unlikely bond, but you KNOW this can't end well…
1. Cast of Characters

Episode Name: _Girl Meets Frein_

Characters:

Riley—The happy-go-lucky heroine of the show who is simultaneously a cutesy goofy gal and a perpetual do-gooder. Always with her "biffle" Maya the demon seed, who is her polar opposite. Naïve, innocent, and overly dedicated to her schoolwork because she believes it will land her a job as a Japanese Harajuku style fashion designer someday.

Disadvantaged Girl Maya—The rebel, miscreant, loner, angry best friend of Riley. Her mom and dad were a match made in Hell, then dad ran off and subsequently Maya has declared her own life "shit" forever and o-v-e-r _over_ , condemned to eternal failure at everything ever due to not having a dad. Her mom works some secret high-power job in New York City, or so she says. Always wears band shirts, never does her homework, prone to getting irate at even veiled references to fathers, and is a thorn in the side of every adult and authority figure in her radius.

Mr. Matthews—The social studies teacher of Riley and Maya and Farkle….and everyone in the school apparently. Mr. Matthews is also a do-gooder. Pushed around by his shark of a lawyer wife. Actively trying (with Riley's help) to redeem Maya, but to no avail. Despite being a teacher he never learns his lesson and continues to be a busybody do-gooder who can't accept the truth.

Farkle—The constantly abused school nerd who is currently recovering from a suicide attempt as a result of his being endlessly bullied by everyone and everything. Super smart, but also super frail. Surprisingly keen about American government and politics.

Eric Frein—A self-taught marksman, survivalist, war re-enactor, Rambo impersonator, and all around tough guy (despite his meek looks) who is currently on the run from a massive law enforcement dragnet after shooting two Pennsylvania state troopers. Portrayed as a Tea Party militia member Christian terrorist with weapons of mass destruction despite being/having none of the above.

Note: Due to the adult language and situations present in this fan fiction, everyone will be a 16-year-old high schooler (except the adults obviously) instead of a middle schooler as they are on the show.


	2. Segment 1

Segment 1: The scene opens on Riley receiving an award on stage from none other than her dad, Mr. Matthews. The rest of the school/class is seated in front of her in auditorium style seating. The award she is getting is for perfect attendance for the previous academic year. The captive audience politely applauds; Maya just sighs and shakes her head as if to say, "Sell out." Riley steps up to the podium and says, "Thank you all for this award, you love me! You really love me!" Maya heckles her, "Too bad you love yourself the most of anyone!" Unfazed, she rambles on, "I think of this as taking me one step closer to being a Japanese Harajuku style fashion designer. So I'll leave you with what I once heard a senile 100-year-old crusty Japanese man on the subway tell me, "Tenno heika banzai! (Long live the Emperor)" The restless student body applauds again as she steps off stage and takes a seat next to Maya. Maya playfully punches her arm, "You're such a dork." The next girl to receive an award is Constance Prudence, for perfect attendance for every year of her school career thus far. When she steps to the podium, she immediately gushes, "I'd like to thank my DAD, who is _my_ hero, and also the most inspirational person I know!" Maya seethes, she clenches her fists and her body shakes in utter anger. "What's wrong, Maya?" Riley asks cluelessly. Unable to suppress her memories or her rage at her parents, Maya shoves her out of the way and storms out of the auditorium. She goes to her locker, grabs her backpack, slams the door shut, then begins walking out of the school. However, just before she reaches the exit, she stops in a nearby vacant computer lab and tosses a computer monitor across the room in a fit of repressed rage. Then finally leaving the school, she goes to a local dirty, disgusting, poorly lit bus station. When a bus promptly pulls up with its destination sign reading, "nowhere" as its next stop, Maya scurries on and sits down on a worn cloth seat in the back. "Welp… thanks a lot Dad…" she manages to mutter before going into sulk mode.


	3. Segment 2

Segment 2: We find the bus letting Disadvantaged Girl Maya off in the middle of nowhere on a deserted dirt road in Pennsylvania. Maya trudges off and begins marching down the road to nowhere. She almost trips over a rock, frustrated she picks it up and throws it into the woods along the side of the road. "Stupid dad! Even stupider mom!" she rages as her leather Goth boots kick up dust. The rock flies into a bush out of view. "Ouch! Can't a man take a leak in peace? It's a constitutional right!" a voice from the bush says. Maya, puzzled, walks over to the bush and peers in. What she sees astonishes her. It's a man covered in mud except for the whites of his eyes. "Oh great! Now I've been discovered by a little girl!" the mud man grunts. "Hey! I'm no little girl, I lost my virginity, I'm a woman!" Maya protests. "You're a woman? You're a kid! You best get away from me!" the mud man lashes out at her. Maya scoffs, "Why? You're covered in mud, you're harmless." The man growls, wiping the mud off his head to reveal a scarred yet meek face and a Mohawk haircut, "You're standing in a very dangerous place right now…" Maya looks around, "Uhhh, in the middle of the road?" "No! Near me!" the Mohawk man corrects her. Maya "pfftts" him, "So what are _you_ doing out here anyway?" Mud man looks down ashamedly, "I've been betrayed and abandoned." Maya perks up, "Me too! I was betrayed and abandoned by my parents, what about you?" "My government." he mutters. When the man looks up, he notices Maya's band t-shirt of the Misfits' iconic skull. "Hey, I'm into punk rock too!" he wipes the mud off his shirt to reveal he is wearing a Billy Idol t-shirt. "My names Eric by the way," he extends a hand to shake hers. Maya merrily shakes his muddy hand, "I'm Maya, nice to meet you Eric, cool punk rock hairdo ya got there." Maya is obviously very pleased to have found another miscreant like herself. She cuts right to the chase since she forgot a step two of her run away from New York/her parents/her life plan, "Why don't we go back to your place?" Eric looks shocked, like he hasn't caught a lucky break in a while, "Uhh…sure! Can't kill you anyway, told myself not to take out any civilians on my mission…" In one long montage of Maya and Eric walking through the Pennsylvanian wilderness, they are seen talking to each other. An inappropriate Christian song plays over it, though they are both atheist. Eric is probably explaining how he shot two state troopers and is on the run, Maya is probably prattling on about herself and how she hates her mom and dad, but especially her dad. Eric keeps calling Maya a kid and Maya keeps asserting that she is a woman citing her virginity loss, criminal record, and "grass on her field." The montage is finally interrupted by Maya accidentally falling down an abandoned mine shaft. She is trapped like a rat in the muddy pit. "Don't leave me!" she shouts up at Eric. Eric using his self-taught Rambo-ness climbs down into the pit and carries her out on his back passing countless skulls, gold bars, windows of peering mole people, Jimmy Hoffa's bones, and even a window to an underground bunker where former vice president Dick Cheney is seen cowering, on his way up and out. When Maya is finally on solid ground she gushes, "Wow! Are you a soldier?" Eric laughs and shrugs, "Nope, I just played a few on TV." Coming back to his senses, Eric scolds her, "Be more careful next time! Situational awareness!" Maya winces and braces herself to receive a whupping. Eric notices her clenched jaw, "Ah, no kid! I wasn't gonna hit ya!" Maya un-braces herself and opens her eyes, "Well, it worked on my mom just to let you know." Maya and Eric share a tender moment before something that sounds like flying lawnmower interrupts them. They scramble behind a fallen log. A Predator drone flies over, bearing a sticker on it of President Obama's smiling face with the phrase, "I approve!" next to it.

The scene cuts to a police station command center where doughy white haired Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett (who is up for re-election, wink, wink) speaks to a bunch of militarized police. "Alright, so we have his location, can get him anytime, we're planning on taking him in on Halloween because he is a spooky bad guy who is also a tea partying, anti-government, pro-gun, pro-life, anti-gay marriage Christian villain and could theoretically kill ten billion people with his five-shot rifle. But besides all that, most importantly this is really gonna help my campaign! The people know I've been working round the clock on this case, not even stopping for a donut break to keep up my doughy guy figure!" The Governor's voice is condescending and weasel-y, like a typical self-serving politician. He has an election sticker on the breast of his suit jacket and all of the militarized police officers have election stickers over the words "police" on their chest (symbolism!) "Uh, what about the girl?" one cop asks, through a ski mask whilst wearing night vision goggles (many are seen wearing this despite being indoors in a lighted room amongst friends). The fat old Governor laughs, "Well, your mission is to preserve as many sheep….I mean lives as possible, at the same time, don't wait for a reason to open fire full tilt, just do it." Cue ominous music.


	4. A PSA by Michael Jacobs

A Public Service Announcement by Michael Jacobs: Evil Governor Corbett's machinations and Maya and Eric's joint shenanigans are held in unforgiving suspense as we head to a commercial break. This commercial advertises Michael Jacobs's second most popular creation – ABC television's own DINOSAURS! In fact, it appears to be some kind of public service announcement.

A director yells "cut" in the background and a green and white humanoid, biped dinosaur in a high school varsity jacket and sneakers walks off a typical sitcom set (a home interior). The dinosaur's green spines function as its hair and it has a long flailing green pointed tail. He looks right into the camera and addresses the audience, "Hi folks! I'm a talking dinosaur but that's not important, what is important is what I'm here to talk to you about and that is one of the great issues of our time…drugs!" As the dinosaur walks about the set, crew members high five him, give him a glass of water, pat him on the back, and hand him a giant chicken drumstick. "Yes, drugs. They may seem all fun and cool on TV shows like mine, but in reality, they're dangerous and can even kill you. No, I'm not talking about prescription drugs, those have warning labels on them that say things like "warning may cause suicidal or homicidal thoughts and actions." Those are safe! I'm talking about the bad kind; the kind a doctor doesn't give you because they're bad. They make you do horrible things, like realize that work, school, and life itself is mostly bullshit. They make crappy music and movies sound and look better. They make things seem funnier than they really are. And worst of all, they make you hungry! Hmm, wait, so does healthy exercise…ah, well anyway…don't do drugs or you might do something horrible like create a TV show about talking dinosaurs that is really funny in a stupid kind of way and bring joy to the joyless lives of millions. Well, that's all for me folks!" While the dinosaur was talking he was making his way towards a flimsy director's chair with his name on it, "Talking Dinosaur." At the end of the announcement, he sits on it and it collapses since he is so huge and the chair is held together with paperclips and chewing gum.


	5. Segment 3

Segment 3: Eric's woodland dwelling, an abandoned airport hangar, is seen by the audience. As a peaceful morning theme plays the camera slowly pulls out revealing the hangar to be surrounded by hundreds of police officers all aiming guns at it. An ED-209 walker from _Robocop_ is seen amongst the throngs aiming at the hangar as well, in addition to several M1 Abrams tanks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, artillery cannons, flamethrowers, bazookas, and Gatling guns. Helicopter gunships and Predator drones circle overheard. A nervous missile command tech is seen with his finger over a red button, ready to ballistic missile-ize the hangar. Off shore, hundreds of miles away, a line of destroyers have their cannons pointed skyward, aiming at the distant hangar. Of course, many a news team is covering the event as well. It's on every channel, even the Bible Channel and the Oprah Network. Disadvantaged Girl Maya's classmates are seen watching the "standoff" on a TV in their cafeteria. "It is believed maniac Christian bad guy Tea Partier Eric Frein has taken young, innocent, succulent…I mean student…16-year-old Maya Hart hostage and has already raped her an estimated 500 times. Frein has already killed one Pennsylvania state trooper and wounded another in a shooting spree earlier this month. I know as a professional newscaster I shouldn't interject my opinion into things, but fuck this guy! I hope they turn him into Swiss cheese!" A newscaster drolly reports over footage of the standoff. Riley looks concerned and shakes her head, "So unlike her! This is all my fault!" Farkle slaps the table he is seated at, "A shooting spree! Why didn't I think of that?"

Back inside the hangar, fast asleep, lie Maya and Eric. Maya sleeps sitting on a beat-up couch, holding Eric like the Pieta statue. "ERIC FREIN!" A voice booms over a megaphone. Slowly, Maya and Eric wake up. "Stay here! I'm sure they just have the wrong address." Eric tells Maya, patting her on the head like a dog. "Don't leave me!" Maya calls after him but doesn't bother getting up. "ERIC FREIN!" the megaphone voice thunders again. Eric emerges from the hangar and comes into view with his hands up in the surrender position. "Uhhh, hi, uhhhh, I'm just a woodland hermit and uhhh, we're Frein. We're all Frein here now, so thank you, uhh how are you?" He hollers above the din of humming helicopters and Predator drones. "KEEP YOUR HANDS UP AND DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!" the voice commands, ignoring him totally. "But I didn't do anything!" Eric objects. One cop, a sniper in a tree, is playing Bingo on his iPhone with one hand while holding his rifle (finger unsafely on the trigger) with the other. "Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!" he suddenly exclaims, having won in Bingo. "Did someone say open fire?" a cop below him asks. Then, without warning a massive fusillade of gunfire, missile fire, and cannon fire erupts. Fortunately, fleet-footed Eric ducked one second too fast and all of the king's horses and all of the king's men all missed him. The hangar is wiped from the face of the Earth.

Various viewers at home cheer. Inside the school cafeteria Riley cries, Farkle croons, "Goodbye my love," and Lucas cracks in his southern drawl, "That's one more chick I'll never get to lay."

Militarized police swarm Eric and proceed to dance on him like Michael Flatley, only a lot tougher. As he is being beaten, Maya, the immortal sourpuss, claws her way out of the wreckage. She stands tall on a pile of rubble, capturing the attention of all in the vicinity. The cops even stop beating Eric. "It's the girl!" one cop yells. "Uhh…what do we do now?" another asks. "Well, the Governor said we should rape her if she hasn't already been raped so it looks like this Frein guy did it," yet another answers. Maya interrupts the banter, "Either I'm pregnant again or I've been shot, my stomach is killing me." The Misfits skull on her shirt now has a red tinge to it. The portly Governor Corbett (no relation to Bill Corbett obviously) runs up to the scene, "Drag them both away…quick…and issue an official explanation of "Oops." Eric is dragged away; the cops beat him so badly he now looks like rapper Riff-Raff. "Yo, you goin' dowwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn to Chi-na towwnnnnnnn!" he spits to the disgusted Governor, as he smiles a toothless, broken jaw grin for the news cameras. As Maya is led away she quips of her bloodstained shirt, "Does blood dry clear like semen tends to?"


	6. Segment 4

Segment 4: We open on Disadvantaged Girl Maya sitting on a bus, looking out the window, it is raining out and dark, she looks very sad. In a short flashback it is revealed that after the official explanation of "Oops" she was quickly patched up in a hospital (leaving her with a big bloody scar on her stomach) and then given one phone call so someone could come pick her up (in exchange for them not arresting and charging her with being the underage teenage bride of a known Christian terrorist who had/has weapons of mass destruction). Humiliated and upset over the loss of Eric, she called her loser mom, who said she couldn't pick her up because she couldn't get off work from her high-powered, prestigious job as a waitress at a New York City diner and was working extra hours so she could have "nice CLOTHES, so tough shit." Out of luck, she had to call Riley and appeal for help, Riley, of course, accepted the chance to help her as part of her penance for "not being a good friend." The audience "awwws" when Riley says she wasn't a good friend.

Back in the present, the bus comes to a stop and outside waiting for Maya are Mr. Matthews and Riley huddled under an umbrella. Maya trudges off the bus, defeated. Mr. Matthews starts in on her, "Now I know it must have been very traumatic being raped and shot by that evil Mohawk-ed man, but…." He doesn't get to finish his sentence as Maya pushes him into a puddle and takes his umbrella as he falls. Riley gives Maya a hug and launches into some impassioned speech about friendship and evil and guns and people with Mohawk haircuts and "punker" music, but Maya just spaces out, the camera floats up into the sky, revealing the lit up New York City skyline. Maya recalls something Eric said, his ethereal voice mutters in a voiceover, "Bad governments are always going to happen….but bad people don't have to."

Days, weeks, or even months later, Maya watches a news broadcast from her school's cafeteria TV. An angry lawyer tells the press that he is seeking the death penalty for Eric Frein because "its gun nuts like him that ruin the world, while governments try and keep law and order." He is also charging Eric with having weapons of mass destruction, having a Mohawk hairdo, making them look bad, and listening to "punker" music. A ticker scrolling across the bottom of the screen also states that on a related note incumbent Governor Tom Corbett subsequently lost his bid for re-election and was indicted on charges of abuse of office for taking the ED-209 walker out to get milk. Maya upset as a teenage girl can be, walks out of school again. Back in the cafeteria, Farkle says, "A Mohawk, why didn't I think of that?" Riley just watches her go, Lucas grunts, "Ah, she'll be back."

Maya walks to the new World Trade Center, the mostly vacant "Freedom Tower." She walks in the front door and takes an elevator up to the roof. The people "working" there see her, but pay no mind. One secretary picks up a phone and quips into it, "I think your new sex slave scheduled for 3:30 just arrived, sir, and wowzers Zap Rowsdowers is she a looker!" Up on the roof, Maya sits on top of the antenna at the top of a tower and reads a letter from Eric written from prison. It simply reads, "Hey Maya, Remember to aim high, that's what I did! Your pal, Eric." Also included with the letter is an anarchy letter "A" made out of human hair. A sappy Christian rock song (or alternatively, "Emanuel" by Mark Smeby) about forgiveness, hope, and all that other garbage brays as the camera pans out on Maya sitting atop the antenna holding the letter and the "A."

Trivia: References include _Girl Meets World_ , the 2014 Eric Frein manhunt, _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ , _Robocop_ , _Clancy_ , _The Perfect Gift_ , _Star Wars: A New Hope, Human Bullets_ , _Zero Hour: Massacre at Columbine High_ , various Charlie Manson interviews, _Rambo: First Blood Part Two_ , punk rock music, Chris Farley, Predator drone strikes, the Misfits, Riff-Raff, _Girl Meets World: Farkle Gets Bullied (The real life edition)_ (also on this site), _Clancy 2: I just took off my clothes and I had to do it_ , Billy Idol, the Waco Siege, various internet comments, the Pieta statue, _Humpty Dumpty_ , _Hot Car_ , _Geek Charming_ , _Lord of the Dance_ , the official Billy Dee Williams quiz, and _He Had a Hat_.


End file.
